In fact, the fact that they are willing to stay in the relationship and have to deal with this sexual issue every day, is proof that the survivor must care for you a great deal. The survivor probably loves you very much but it is just too scary to feel this with his/her body too. Survivors feel a tremendous sense of guilt for not being sexually available for their partners…for not enjoying sex the way they wish they could. You could be the best lover on the planet and that would only serve to make the survivor more confused, more guilt ridden. It is hard not to take it personally as what could be more personal than your sex life, however, it really is not your fault. It is important to remember that the survivor is feeling these feelings because of the abuse they suffered and it is not that the partner is lacking as a lover. They love the survivor but have needs of their own also. Their own sexual desires are put on hold. They may feel rejected and at a loss on what to do about this situation. The partner can wind up feeling like a failure for not be able to give pleasure or express their true feelings to the survivor. How does this affect the Partner?įor partners of Survivors, this whole aspect is very frustrating. This leaves them feeling totally confused and dysfunctional. They find a same sex partner, enjoy the sex in the beginning and then all the same things start happening to them. I have seen cases where because of this, survivors feel that they must be homosexual. They can’t stay disconnected from sex in an intimate relationship and they can’t connect sex with love. They can meet someone new, enjoy sex for a time and then as the relationship goes to a deeper more connected level, the same thing happens. They may come to believe that this may mean they are not “in love” with the partner and even break up the relationship because of the sexual turn off that they feel.
They may continually be unfaithful to their partners because they want to enjoy a sexual experience, they want to confirm to themselves that they are “sexually normal” that they can enjoy sex. I will get into how this effects the partners in the next paragraph. They may feel so confused as to why they enjoyed sex before but suddenly can’t stand to be touched by the partner. Many have noticed that the deeper the relationship became, the less they wanted sex with this person. So as an adult, sex with an intimate partner may become a “skin crawling” experience. As a child, survivors become programmed to disconnect from sex and from anyone who loved him and wanted sex with him. This is because they are disconnected with any emotional or intimate feelings regarding sex. Also here is the fact that many survivors find one-night stands sexually enjoyable. The survivor might only feel a sense of self-worth when being sexually desired. The sense of well being and self-esteem gets hooked up with sexual desirability. They feel they cannot say NO to sex and end up having sex with anyone that wants them. He or She then fulfills this legacy sometimes with total disregard for his/her own safety. Other survivors act out or become promiscuous believing that they are only good or loved for sex. Other times the survivor may confuse the partner with the abuser during sex, Sex becomes a mine field of painful associations and memories. They may have violent or abusive fantasies that arose them but then cause them great shame. They may think that they are frigid, or be confused about homosexuality, or maybe they just feel that they are dysfunctional all together because they do not understand that they are suffering from the effects of the abuse. Survivors may force themselves for years to go through the motions even though they are numb, absent or in a panic. Some view sex as “dirty” or see it as an obligation that they must perform. Sometimes they spend many years and a great deal of energy trying to find ways to avoid having sex.
In adulthood this can play out in several different ways: Some survivors chose celibacy or chose partners who don’t want sex. What effects does abuse have on an adult’s sexuality? If the abuse was linked with affection and nurturing, the child grows up confused about the difference between affection and sex, intimacy and intrusion. The child learns that the abusers sexual desire is a scary, out of control, force and his/her first sexual experiences of arousal are linked with shame, disgust, pain and humiliation. He/she doesn’t get a chance to explore sex in an age-appropriate way. Being forced to be sexual on an adult level leaves the child not being able to develop his own desire, sexual orientation or interest. When a child is sexually abused, his/her normal sexual development is cut short. What effects does abuse have on a child’s sexuality?